Julian Caballero

Archive for January, 2009|Monthly archive page

Family

In Uncategorized on January 4, 2009 at 7:30 am

My family is great. They are great because they are all horrible. And despite their horribleness they love me. I was going to write that they “try” to love me. But what is loving someone if not “trying” to love someone. All you can do is try. That is what love is, it’s trying. It’s not about success. It’s a desire.

I just finished a long conversation with my family. We started at about 8:30 p.m. and just ended now at 1:30 a.m. In my usual fashion I asked a question. I really feel like I need to stop asking questions it brings the worst out in people. So my question was directed at my sister. I asked her about a book that she gave to me called “discovering God’s will”. I basically asked her what it said. She told me that discovering god’s will is understanding his promises and his covenant with his church and focusing on that and not just on our selfish desires. I liked the sound of that but then I asked her if it wasn’t true that everything is in a way God’s will. If God is all powerful and he is the author and origin of everything then God’s will is everything that happens because God is in complete control. My dad interjected at this point and said that God is not the author of sin because He is righteous and therefore cannot be the origin of sin. I then said isn’t it possible that God created sin for a righteous reason that we humans don’t understand? That question was not answered and I was told that God is righteous and therefore could not have created sin because sin is unrighteous. Then the conversation went many different directions. I have had various conversations with my family over issues such as faith, belief, truth, Bible. So this wasn’t anything new. But I am still hoping to understand and discover through our conversations something of what they believe and what I believe. Unfortunatley though my questions are not understood by my family. At one point I was told by my brother in-law that I was in rebellion from the church and God and that I needed to repent and believe. Then he told me that he couldn’t talk to me anymore that night because he was tired and didn’t want to play my game of defining every word. I agree with him that I need to repent and believe. I need to do that everyday and night. And I myself get tired of playing the game of defining every word. But I think it is a necessary game and an important one. What does rebellion mean? And how am I rebelling from the church and God? How am I supposed to repent from rebellion if I don’t know what rebellion is? How can I be guilty of something that I have no understanding of? My intent in asking questions about God and religion and things of that nature is to discover the beauty of Truth. If my family believes in Truth then why aren’t they comfortable talking with me about it? Why is it always an emotional ordeal? Why is seeking an understanding of “belief” wrong and sinful? My family kept telling meĀ  things like “Didn’t you go to church with us all those years? Don’t you know these things?” Do they think just because I heard words that I understood and believed? I wish it worked like that all the time. And I do believe certain things like Jesus is the Son of God and he died for my sins. But I still have questions about it. And I still doubt it with my actions when I sin. I wish that I could have conversations with my family about God and Jesus and belief in a more understanding and peaceful manner but it doesn’t seem to ever be possible. Which is really unfortunate because I think God wants us to converse with each other about these things and be open about our ignorance and inability to understand. I think the problem is basically with me. I seem to ask questions in a way which makes them uncomfortable. I need to learn how to ask questions better without making them feel that way. Maybe I should pray for that. Or maybe I should just pray for the answers so that I don’t even have to ask questions.

Anyway, when my brother in-law told me that I was in rebellion and I needed to repent and believe he just kind of got up and left the table and that was it. I continued talking with my sister and parents about these things but I was unable to contain my emotions. I started to cry because I felt so judged and alienated by my family. It was really horrible. I want to love God and my neighbor but it seems like in order to do that correctly I need to believe certain things and be a member of a church and do certain Christian things like pray and have communion. Maybe I just don’t know how to love God and my neighbor. Maybe loving God and my neighbor is believing certain things and being a member at a church and praying and taking communion. Those don’t seem like bad things. They sound nice, right? But for some reason I don’t want to be nice. I want to be who I am. And I am a Christian. And it seems to me like being a Christian goes hand in hand with asking questions about belief and God and Jesus. Why does being a Christian mean you have no more questions on these issues? You would think someone who believes in something like Christianity would want to discuss what exactly it means to be a Christian.

I also find it interesting that I have heard many people tell me that they really like talking to me because I care and listen and actually take the time to think about what they think and what I think. It seems like this isn’t apparent to my family though. They think I am in rebellion with God. I wonder what God thinks about all of this? Does he laugh or cry? Maybe both. I like to think that he is happy with me. Not that I have somehow attained righteousness but that he looks at me in my confusion and smiles. He knows that I have a good heart and he knows that I am an asshole but he still loves me. And that is what I have hope in. Is that knowledge? Is that Truth? Well, it is what it is. If I denied or affirmed it as knowledge what difference would that make? I live as if it were true and my life is precious to me. What is belief if not investing my life in something that I have hope in?

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A brief history

In Uncategorized on January 1, 2009 at 7:58 am

Well this is where I was born.

LA

LA

Ooopppss! I mean this is where I was born.

t-447_los_angeles_07

Then my family moved to…

las-vegas-showgirls

Much better wouldn’t you say?

I lived here for the first 13 years of my life then my family moved too…

Bogota, Colombia

Bogota, Colombia

But we only stayed a year. Then back to Vegas. But just a year.

Then we went to…

berry02

Euless, Texas

But we only stayed a year. We didn’t feel at home. So then we moved to…

Chattanooga, Tennessee

Chattanooga, Tennessee

My parents still live here. Don’t ask me why. I mean it is better then other places.

But then I graduated from High School. Class of 2003!

I didn’t exactly want to go to College for some reason. I don’t remember why exactly. I was just starting to think back then. So I went to Trujillo Peru to work with some missionaries. They put this video together. I just found it on their website.

videoplay?docid=-6446842685070033563

I fell in love with a Peruvian women there. Go figure. Then I went to meet up with my sister in…

granada_alhambra01

Granada, Spain

Well I really liked living there. I also started College there. But I went back to Chattanooga for some reason. And I majored in Art at Chattanooga State. But that didn’t last long. I felt like everything I produced didn’t fit the class expectation. So I just started working for my uncle bill. Then my friend Mark moved in with me and lived with me and my family for about 6 months. He told me one day that he was interested in Christianity so I told him we should go to L’Abri. My friend Cara had told me about L’Abri a few years before and said it was a great place to learn. So we made plans to go but Mark kind of bailed so I went anyway. These are the places I went on my way to L’Abri.

London

London

Edinburgh

Edinburgh

Mont St. Michel, Normandy, France

Mont St. Michel, Normandy, France

Saint Emilion, Bordeaux, France

Saint Emilion, Bordeaux, France

Biarritz, France
Paris

Paris

Venice, Italy

Venice, Italy

Verona, Italy

Verona, Italy

Cinque Terra, Italy

Cinque Terra, Italy

Then I finally made it to L’Abri

l'abri ping pong at dusk

l'abri ping pong at dusk

Well I stayed for a couple months then I took off again.

Santiago de Compostela, Spain

Santiago de Compostela, Spain

Bilbao, Spain

Bilbao, Spain

Leon, Spain

Leon, Spain

Rabat, Morroco

Rabat, Morroco

Fes, Morocco

Fes, Morocco

Then I returned to Chattanooga but not for long.

Boulder, Colorado

Boulder, Colorado

Then I picked apples for a couple months outside of Grand Junction.

picking apples

picking apples

Then I went to Carmel, California with my friend Alana.

In Carmel with Alana Banana

In Carmel with Alana Banana

Then I went to Seattle to meet David Totten for Thanksgiving.

David smoking in Seattle.

David smoking in Seattle.

Then I went back to Chattanooga for a wedding and then I went with my dad and brother to Colombia for Christmas.

Me in Cali, Colombia with my cousin Isabella.

Me in Cali, Colombia with my cousin Isabella.

Then I went to New York to visit Chris Totten. He got me a job painting apartments. 16$ an hour!

Walking to work.

Walking to work.

Chris on the right

Chris on the right

Then I passed through Las Vegas to see a few friends. I wanted to find a job but nothing appeared.

Todd smoking in Vegas

Todd smoking in Vegas

So I ended back in Carmel with my tia Elsa. I got a job as a Valet.

I had a hard time restraining myself from going crazy in these cars.

I had a hard time restraining myself from going crazy in these cars.

So then I went to Australia!

Kenton, Alana, and Heidi on a boat!

Kenton, Alana, and Heidi on a boat!

I was in Cairns for the most part. Of course I saw Sydney.

Sydney, Australia

Sydney, Australia

Then I stopped over in Sri Lanka.

A group of people looking at a hindu Idol.

A group of people looking at a hindu Idol.

Fishing

Fishing

Buddhist Temple which contains the tooth of Siddartha.

Buddhist Temple which contains the tooth of Siddartha.

So then I flew back to Europe. And back to L’Abri. I met my friend Stefen there. And we both went back to Chattanooga together. And then out to Oregon.

Stefen showing off his Tattoos.

Stefen showing off his Tattoos.

My great friend Katie.

My great friend Katie.

Me in Eugene.

Me in Eugene.

So that was really brief. But that is how I ended up in Eugene. There are a lot more people involved that I did not mention. But it is late and I have spent the first 3 hours of 2009 making this post and I am ready for bed now.