Julian Caballero

Archive for July, 2009|Monthly archive page

At the airport…at the theatre

In Uncategorized on July 18, 2009 at 7:36 am

When people ask me where I am from I still don’t know what to say first. You think after 24 years I would know what to say, that I would be “used to the spin”. I guess I am still confused. This confusion I think is the cause of many of my views. This confusion of identity has caused me to seek out an identity. And after 24 years I think where I find myself causes other people, especially my family, to worry. When people ask me where I am from I have to explain where I was born, where I lived the longest, where my parents live, and where I live now. The question where I am from is not an easy question to answer. The same happends when people ask me if I believe in God. I have to begin by asking a question “what do you mean by God?” People don’t often like to delve into these conversations because they take time and effort. But how can I answer a question which puts me into a category? I don’t want to be put into a category. I am unique and my story is my own. Why should I have to abstract myself? But I suppose some abstraction is neessary. But for some reason I am reluctant to do such. Is this my personal “incredulity of the meta-narrative”? I am affraid of being lost in abstraction and disconnected from reality. I have a name. It’s an abstraction of who I am. It represent me to some extent. I have a social security number, another abstraction. And by abstraction I mean something existing as an idea and not a physical reality. But as I said previously there has to be some kind of abstraction which is necessary in life. Language for instance, is a necessary abstraction. The meaning of this very blog is only communicated through langauge. It is through abstraction that we communicate. I suppose I want some better form of communication. Physical touch is an amazing way of communicating but it can be just as empty as language. So then abstraction (language) can be just as worthless as actual (physical) communication. So then if it isn’t How we communicate then it must be What we communicate which is important. Both Physical and abstract communication can only be judged by their meaning. So when people ask me where I am from I need to explain a few things to them because the meaning of where I am from is large. It isn’t concise. Just as my beliefe in God is not concise. I suppose as I grow older it may become easier to be concise, but as for now it is hard. Maybe after I live somewhere for 10 or 20 years I will be able to tell people in one word where I am from. Maybe in 10 or 20 years I will be able to be concise in communicating my relationship with God. Maybe then I will be more comfortable calling myself a Christian without having to explain. But today it is hard. Also, I remind myself that even though I am an American it dosen’t mean I am for the “War on Terror”. It just means that I was born in a particular place. That doesn’t define my existence. It may be an attribute of my existence but it is not what makes me essentially me. But then what does make me me? Can I communicate that through language? Can I tell you the meaning of myself? Maybe I can tell you a bit. I suppose that is why I write this blog. I believe an honest writer can communicate something to an honest reader. Are you an honest reader? Am I an honest writer? I began this little conglomeration of words at the airport but now I am at the Theatre rehearsing for a play. I have noticed now how these two different contexts can affect communication. At the airport I was anonymous and insignificant, I was communicating nothing to anyone other then my superficial appearance. In fact in the airport I am almost trying to blend in so as to avoid drawing unnecessary attention to myself. But now as an actor on stage I have everyone’s attention and I am intentionally acting in order to communicate a very particular character. In the airport I want to communicate annonymity and thus nobody really knows me and I feel alone and alienated. But in the theatre I am intentionally communicating a different character then myself and I do not feel alien even though nobody really knows me, they only see the character on stage. So in both cases I am acting but in the airport I am being forced to act like everyone and I am disgusted by that, but in the theatre I am forcing myself to act and it brings me pleasure, it gives me meaning and purpose. I am creating something for others to enjoy instead of creating something for people to forget. In a sense while in the Theatre I am in control of the communication, whilc in the airport I am not. At the airport I am under inspection. At the theatre I am under expression. I suppose then that communication is really important to attempt because it gives us a sense of purpose. And we should attempt to communicate that which is within us instead of that which is with out us because for real communication to exist then real people need to communicate to each other and that which is within us is real, in a much more essential way then that which is with out us. But of course I may be wrong about all of this, what do you thnk?


A recent thought concerning beauty

In Uncategorized on July 7, 2009 at 8:16 am

When a man is presented with an unfamiliar beauty what is he to do? To some degree it depends upon the beauty but to a greater degree it depends on the man. Beauty is always beauty whether familiar or unfamiliar, but a man has to decide whether he will seek to understand what is unfamiliar or continue in search of what his mind understands to be familiar. And what kind of man is able and willing to let go of what is familiar for that which is unfamiliar? What kind of man is it who wishes to embrace a mysterious beauty for a beauty of comfortability? For a mysterious beauty is in part uncomfortable and unrecognizable from that which is imagined to exist; this is because that which is imagine to exist was created in the mind that imagined it. But the man who embraces that which he didn’t imagine realizes and accepts the limitations of his own efforts and the incongruity between his art and the great art which surrounds him. Thus the man who embraces a mysterious beauty is a man open to change, uncomfortability, uncertainty, and the will of God; for what is the will of God if not the road unimagined or the road less travelled? For a normal traveler seeks safety, security, and satisfaction while the rare traveler (and maybe the foolish traveler, but the one I wish to be) seeks knowledge, love, and Truth; which are not found in a comfortably passive existence but rather in a painfully active one. I say painful not because pain is good but because it is necessary for growth. But it should not become an idol of the mind for there is a season for pain and there is a season for peace; both should be accepted and understood.