Julian Caballero

Archive for August, 2009|Monthly archive page

Responsibilty- part two

In Uncategorized on August 29, 2009 at 9:05 pm

I don’t remember clearly what I said to Stefen when he told me he was going to get married. I probably said congratulations or something like that. I think I have a hard time remembering what I said because I never know what to say in life changing situations. And I think I don’t know what to say in life changing situations because I don’t know what to feel; it’s all so nebulous to me, I don’t know if a good decision has been made or not. How could I support something I don’t know very much about? Stefen and Chelsea have never been married before and I don’t know what a good match would look like. So how can I recognize something I don’t know? Well I suppose I am not totally in the dark when it comes to what makes a good match. But it’s never worked out for me, so how do I know that Stefen and Chelsea made the right decision?

After Stefen left my room (having told me he was getting married) I sat there with thoughts running through my mind. Then suddenly I laughed uncontrollably and began looking for a piece of paper I had forgotten about. When I found the paper I read through it once. About a year earlier I had written on this pieces of paper a song about a girl that I was sure I would marry. I was so crazy and in love with this girl that I wrote a song about how this girl was going to change my relationship with Stefen. I wrote something about how as humans we are unable to share everything we have with each other. I suppose that is a very obvious truth to most people but Stefen and I shared everything with each other. But as my song explained, God weaves our lives together and we are seemingly not in control, even when it comes to the thing we value above all other things. And the thing I valued more then anything was my friendship with Stefen. But I was willing to move on because I thought that is what God wanted for me and that is what I myself wanted. As life works out though I did not marry the woman that I wrote the song about, she is married to some other man now. And now my friend Stefen is married to Chelsea. But that is besides the point.

Someone asked me once why I became friends with Stefen. I didn’t know what to say to that question. “Do we really choose our friends?”, I wondered. Stefen and I met at L’Abri in Switzerland. We were roommates. We understood each other very clearly. We loved women. We loved talking. We were both searching for love, adventure, meaning, truth, God, etc… But we are also very different. I do not wish to go into those things. But just believe me when I say we are very different. But even though we are very different people we became friends, and as friends we were very close. And so from L’Abri we went together to live with my family in Chattanooga. Life was a struggle there for Stefen and I. We worked and saved up some money then we ended up in Eugene Oregon because I was going to attend Gutenberg College. I had heard about Gutenberg because of someone I met through L’Abri. And after a year of deliberation it seemed like a good place to go. Also Stefen wanted to move out West. So with the money that I got from selling my 65 Mustang I flew out to California and fixed up a car that I had bought from my Aunt a year previously. Then Stefen flew out and we drove together up the Coast to Eugene. Our other option was to go to Chicago where we had some friends but Stefen thought he wasn’t ready for a big city. As things turned out Stefen also began to attend Gutenberg College. We moved on Campus and became part of the Community. Stefen had his struggles and I had my own.

I was sitting in a cafe with Stefen and some of our friends when I asked a question. I do not remember the question but I remember Stefen saying that he presupposes the Bible to be True. It wasn’t what he said that stood out to me (although it is important) but it was how he said it. He seemed to say it with such ease and and confidence, as if anyone could start there. This was very meaningful to me because I was witnessing a change occuring withing Stefen. The man that I first met, although my dear friend, was asked to leave L’Abri for the sake of the community. And now I found myself sitting in a cafe with him telling me and our friends, with confidence, that he presupposes the Bible to be True!

I do not know why I became Stefens friend. Nor do I know if Stefen and Chelsea made the right decision to get married. But I do know that it happened and the things that happen in life have a purpose and a reason.

Stefen and Chelsea were married on August 22nd 2009. But exactly 28 years previously my father and mother were married. My father and mothers marriage does not strike me as a marriage that I long for. I actually want my marriage to look different then theirs. Not because they are evil or wrong but because I do not understand their marriage. For a long time I saw them as invalid models for my life. The reasons that they gave me for marriage, family, church, love, and God didn’t make sense to me. So I held them out at a distance, a far distance. And while this happened I roamed the earth in search of answers. I found Stefen. He and I share a love unlike any I have ever experience. But now that love has changed. He is married. We cannot share all that we have with each other. God has taken us in two very different directions. But I love Stefen and the change I have seen in him has only strengthened my Faith in him. So is it just a coincidence that Stefen and Chelsea now share the same marriage anniversary as my parents? The Faith that I place in Stefen and Chelsea, because of the change I have witnessed in Stefen, can it be placed in my parents? And if it is placed in my parents where else can I place it?

Through my sense of responsibility to my friend Stefen I have realized my responsibility to my family. He has given me a reason to believe in people, in goodness, and in God.

I am sorry that this post is so jumbled but I haven’t worked these ideas out enough to tie them all together properly. Hopefully you as a reader can see the thread that binds them together. My life and hopefully yours, when reflected upon, you can see the twists and turns and changes that have brought you to where you are at present and I for one would not change a thing. The thought of changing something actually frightens me. Who would I be if I never met Stefen? Who would I be if I never went to L’Abri? What would I consider important? What ideas would occupy my mind? What direction would my life be taking? As it is, my life is not perfect but it is understandable to some extent.

1If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

2If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

3And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,

5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

9For we know in part and we prophesy in part;

10but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

11When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but thenĀ  face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

13But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

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Poetry

In Uncategorized on August 20, 2009 at 6:03 pm

writer

Poetry is how I give myself to others

Poetry is how I give myself to myself

Poetry is how I save those moments when I am alone

Poetry is how I secure those thoughts and emotions

Which no one else is able to witness.

Poetry is how I describe my gaze into the darkness

And into the light

Poetry is how I kiss and hold what I love

Poetry is how I remain in my room at night alone and afraid

And yet able to sleep

Poetry is who I speak to when I realize some true thing

Peotry is what I lower into the deep waters of my soul to keep

Me from defenestrating my heart.

Poetry is what gives me light and whispers into my ears

Poetry is what covers me in the night as I flow through space alone

Poetry is what shudders when I flee a memory

Poetry is what flaps in the wind when I fall

Poetry is what guides me through my daily rituals

Poetry is what I feed on when I am in despair,

It fills me with what tastes like bitter herbs

And seeps from my eyes like burning coals.

Oh to lay here in isolation from you.

Oh Poetry you are not enough for me.

You are the echo of my soul

And thus you cannot respond to my thoughts

Or my touch or my reason or my love..

You merely narrow my thoughts and emotions.

You sign with your symbols that which is unspoken

But none of it is new or fresh or clean or untouched.

It is all from the past, the broken past, the terrible past

The past that I wish I could forget and the now which is passing.

Poetry I reach out to you but you are nowhere

Poetry I pour myself out upon you and you say nothing

I dream tonight to end your silence

your single dimensionality, your unresponsive nature.

You, I hope, will take form someday. A real form of flesh and bone.

a figure uncreated by my mind, a creature of discovery, unearthed by the gods.

Responsibility- Part One

In Uncategorized on August 4, 2009 at 6:01 am

This is a hard one for me to understand. And yet it seems so obviouse. When I was a senior in High School I read a story by Henrick Ibsen called “A doll’s house” It was the story of a women who realizes that she is living a fake life and therefore leaves her children and her husband and her responsibilities towards them. But when I read the story back then when I was 18 I thought she was doing the right thing, but now I think what she did was the wrong thing. I still believe it was necessary for her to leave but that doesn’t deny the evil present in the situation. In my mind it was a necessary evil. Her relationships (family, culture, religion, self) were inhibiting her from having a right relationship with her family. After I graduated from High School, probably even before I graduated from High School, I was gone from my family. But it was after High School that I was truly gone not just in a physical sense but in a spiritual sense. I was gone searching the world for something. I didn’t know what it was I was searching for, except in my journals from that time seem to show that I was searching for love. I didn’t know what love was and I didn’t fully understand that that is what I was searching for but now looking back at that time, it is apparent that I was searching for love. And in this search I found L’Abri, but the first time I went I wasn’t ready for the truth and I was distracted trying to define love for myself. I ended up in Morroco broken hearted and more alone then ever. So I was searching again for something called love. I went to New York and painted apartments for a rich Jewish families, I went to Colorado and picked apples with illegal Mexicans, I parked rich peoples cars and made Lattes for them, I ended up in Australia picking Pineapples with Israelis and Aboriginals, I served cocktails at Scientific Conventions where drunken Scientists voted for their next president, I accepted money from a corrupt preacher wearing a purple leather jacket and diamond studded glasses, I made a prostitute smile and cry, and I ended up back at L’Abri. That is where I met my friend Stefen. It was through him that I realized that I was responsible for someone other then myself. I was secondary, not primary. But at the time I didn’t realize the nature of this responsibility, all I knew was that I felt responsible for him. So we ended up in Eugene because he didn’t want to move to Chicago. And in Eugene we started to attend Gutenberg College. I had never visited the college, all I heard was that it was like L’Abri but a College. It was exactly what we both needed. Stefen needed a community where he could feel accepted and I needed a community where I felt valuable. And we both found what we needed. It hasn’t been easy and it was only through our friendship that we were able to make it here and survive. But Stefen did not continue at Gutenberg and he slowly became more and more distant from me. My friend, who made me feel valuable, I realized was heading in a different direction then me. Who was I going to be responsible for now? Who was I going to love? I still had the Gutenberg community but it was different now, my compass (Stefen) was gone.

August

In Uncategorized on August 2, 2009 at 4:10 pm

Photo 13

The month of August has begun and I have already been overcome by ideas and emotions I wish would go away. But maybe by the end of the month I will have worked through these things a little more. Maybe by the end of the month I will have come to some closer conclusion concerning the nature of love. Maybe by the end of August I will have been able to be mindful of my actions and of what they might signify to others. Maybe by the end of August I will have realized the meaning of life, or become happy, or become fulfilled, or seen the face of God. The month of August has begun and I do not know how it will end nor do I know all of the challenges that I will face during said month, but I do know that its going to be okay and that things will work out approriatley, just as they always do. The will of God is not something we can betray, we can only betray our responsibilities.