Humans are by nature searchers, whether it’s for shelter or love, it’s what we do. I have searched far and wide for these human things. Along the way I have found many things, and these are the most noteworthy.
I found grace on a mountain. My first impression of her was “This is too good to be true”. She humored me for a while and I enjoyed her immensely, she was briefly on the same path as I but only accidentally. One moment she was there, and the next she wasn’t. I look for her still in anything and everything and she still roams the old places in my mind. But now she is only a shadow that periodically haunts me and tells me I am not worthy.
I found light next, bitter light to be precise, and she was nothing like grace. Instead of filling me with feelings of guilty pleasure and unworthiness, she filled my dreams with beautiful insanity. Her light was mesmerizing and lulling and it burned deep and true. I was choked by her golden curls and her distrustful eyes swallowed me. We both felt our own pain deeply but she would not let go of hers and I could not help her with mine. Just as grace and I shared a joy for life this bitter light and I shared despair, but not with each other, for despair can only be felt alone; it comes before and above the other person. And now it feels like she is at the bottom of the sea, whenever I think of her I feel this deep pain, and I love it; she is my despair, my masochistic love.
Next I found fire, and there was much to manage. My only dream of her was that of her hand driving deep into my chest. For that is the nature of fire, she consumes what is most precious and tries to change the rest. In this fire I found grace once more but not as before, not as a dirty friend but rather a pure relic too holy for me to hold. This newfound grace made me sick, she was too good for me, although she said she wasn’t, perhaps she was right and I was sick for other reasons, maybe this fire reminded me of who I used to be; a person I snuffed out because I didn’t want to see myself as pure, holy, innocent, and naïve. Or maybe I didn’t like this new form of grace. It makes no difference now, this fire meant to consume all of me, or at least that’s what it felt like. I had to let her go against all my will, my heart was too small and my mind too large or the other way around. Nothing is clear in fire and it hurts too much to wait.
Now that I have found and lost all of this and more, I still am searching but I look now for joy or happiness; I do not know her name. But I do know that I seek not distant moons nor fires nor light. I seek a place to burry myself and not be consumed. A place to till and strip my hands of lust and pride and have it flourish and give me peace. A place of trust, where my heart can be free to roam and always welcome to return. A place to embrace the curse I am and the love left over. I seek one of the earth to walk with and hard enough to hold. She will not be afraid of my brooding or insanity that carries me away from her into the dark, for it always passes with a laugh and a smile and I come crashing down back into the light. It is wrong of me yes to be such a manic but it is who I am and I will not be judged for it, I am still worthy of love. And this horrible pain of separateness, I know she will feel because of me, but she will not make me feel weak or ill for it; in fact this separateness I require will fill our lives with life. It will give us the freedom to step across to the other when necessary and speak till all is said, then once again step back into ourselves while the other is left to rest. Then once rest is done and truth has taken root, growth will show and she the earth and I the sun will touch each other through space and light.
Perhaps she is the fire that must become the earth, for I am the fire longing for the earth, not to consume but to enlighten, not to pain but to replenish. But perhaps I too must become the earth for a time and divest my molten mantel. Perhaps the sun must die before it can truly shine, it must become the earth and give up it’s life to creatures great and small. But it’s easy to get lost in analogy, who is the fire and who is the earth and what are their places in life? Who should I be and who should she? It’s all very unknowable to me, or at least I would like it to be. It’s hard to know what she needs and let her hurt me continually. Who am I to tell the fire to become the earth? Who am I to tell the sun to loose her golden stare and deepen her soul with mounds of black earth? How could ever I explain that I am not the problem, nor am I the solution? How does one take responsibility by breaking commitment? How does one show love without being selfish, when love is selfish? Doesn’t goodness come out of, but reach beyond evil? But philosophy is no help in these matters; it only quells our emotions by busying our minds so that we may sleep at night. The only thing that can explain love is life, and the explanation is connected not by logic but by hope, not by stars but by empty space, not by reading but by reaching, not by words but by wonder. There is no magic potion number nine or twelve steps to love or understanding that I can impart to the fire that so deeply burned my soul. I can only screech and yelp when pain is incurred not for my sake alone, but to tell the fire to stop it’s course. For she is blind in ways that I have been but she is also blind in ways that I will never be, and it’s hard to know which is causing me pain; for I am a weak man, only newly acquainted with words made not of ink or fantasy, but words of the earth and not the sun. These words are heavy words and by nature I prefer those that come and go with the wind, words of subtle implication and broad interpretation. I do not want to be buried with my father or those before me, but I must be guilty in order to be human. I must truly fall before I can truly stand. A generation must die for a generation to come. There is nothing more frightening to me then doing what I think I should and failing again. My heart is foolish but not as foolish as my mind. But both are foolish; the first for confusing the second, and the second for allowing the first to confuse it. Fire destroys the earth but never completely, the earth is too deep and fire too quick. Perhaps that is why I prefer to live by water, so that I can betray both. But why would she, the fire, seek my shelter? She knows she must change, she must know she must change. How little I know, how little I’ve known. Youth is wasted on the youth and age is wasted on the aged. Knowledge brings not happiness but suffering, and through suffering comes happiness or at least room for it. Happiness oh happiness why have you hid in my shelter when I am not there? You think it yours too? I suppose it is, I have no dominion over it. You are just as free as I, but it is true that you are more reckless. Reckless with me! Why have you been so reckless with me? I wish it were easier for you to love me but you know yourself so little. I am not being patronizing. It is true whether you like it or not. Two plus two is not five, my dear. But what is the use in speaking any of this? Are you the fire, seeking to be my earth? Will you be that for me? Or is this only stupidity on my part? Maybe both, I am SO sardonic, look at me! You will not understand this nor will anyone. I keep the key for myself. But if you have the spare what are you waiting for? Come home! Yes, it’s easy to say. And beautiful to say. The ring of it, the sound of it…Home! But it’s Hell! Why must it be hell? Why must I be hell? I am home and I am hell. I am to blame! Look at me, I am SO self-pitying! How honest and pious of me! How easy it is to turn what is true and authentic into what is false. What does it take to keep things straight? Not beer that’s for sure! Nor a ruler! Not a heart! Not a mind! Nothing! Nothing will keep things straight! Not for me at least! I will make nothing but exclamations! Forever and ever! But I can’t. I am not that prolific. I am not that genius. I am not that man. I am not that. I am nothing. See how there is no clear direction at all? See how I can go anywhere by using the same word twice… using the same word thrice!? Look! I can go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…and on……………..and on………………..and on……………………………………………………………………………………………………forever…..until I fill up this goddamn blog………….never ending……………just like me…….vacuous……empty……..meaningless words……………….how maladroit……how magnificent…how full of “m’s”! How self aware and self critical this all is. How could anyone beat me? how could anyone see where this is going? How could I be wrong? I don’t miss a thing…I don’t miss a thing……..Except for everything good that you did for me. I can’t remember it now. What did you do for me? What did you give me? Just pain? Just joy? Who cares about those things? Who cares about money? Who cares about anything?! You can’t give me anything I don’t already have. What,… Attention? Love? Care? Can you give me these? But what if I don’t feel them? Did you fail? Did you try? Maybe you can’t love. Maybe I can’t love myself. Maybe God doesn’t want us to love. Maybe that would be obscene to Him… That capital “H”, Him! How horribly human all of this is! Exclamation mark! Period… Who gives a shit!? No voice! No talent! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Who does this? Who am I? Will anyone actually read this? Does anyone actually care? Do I care? Is this just diarrhea? Maybe it is, maybe Diarrhea is good every now and then. Maybe not. I am also a very good contrarian! I am good at everything and nothing, and also logic!